why he won't be mine
by disrupted.reflections
Summary: rated for lanuguage use. [HGHP.] hermione has a deep dark secret, she's killing herself by helping the guy she likes get the gal he wans. sucky summary lol.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: don't own this blah blah, you know the drill xD **

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He was so close to her.

She could almost feel his skin against hers.

_Almost._

He was perfect but he didn't know it.

* * *

_A few weeks earlier _

"_Harry!" Hermione felt warm tears slide down her face; she could even taste the saltiness they left on her pale, pink lips. Ron was beside her, too shocked to speak, his face pale, the colour of tracing paper, nearly transparent. _

_Harry had just been injured in the Quidditch math; season favourite Gryffindor against their arch-rival, Slytherin. The winner of this match would have won the House Cup for the year. Harry had been knocked off his broom by Slytherin Beaters, desperate to get the glory, that they lost all semblance of sanity and had heavily whacked the oncoming Bludger towards Harry, just as he was about to grasp the tiny golden Snitch in his outstretched fingers. Now, he was being rushed into the hospital wing, where Madam Pomfrey was waiting. _

"_No! No visitors allowed! The boy needs some rest! Half his ribs have been broken from that fall! His right lung has been punctured; do you want him to recover?" The ever strict Madam Pomfrey wore a look of the greatest distaste on her face. Ron and Hermione had just requested to visit Harry. _

"_Please? It won't take long." Hermione was desperate, her voice rising to fever-pitch. "He's our best friend!" _

"_Yeah, we'll be really quiet!" Ron implored._

_Madam Pomfrey was not moved. "No visitors till tomorrow, period!" With that note of finality, she slammed the door to the hospital wing shut, their glimpse of Harry lying unconscious in bed stolen away. _

"_Well, what do we do now?" Ron asked his face bleak. It seemed so different without Harry around._

_Without answering, Hermione ran, face in the palms of her hands, to the girl's dorm. Ron swore he heard a stray sob escape from the slowing retreating figure. _

----- + -----

_Once in the safety of her dorm, Hermione wiped the tears away from her face and fell onto her bed, drawing the scarlet curtains behind her. All she wanted right now was some peace and quiet, some time to organize her now chaotic thoughts, and a place where she would not be disturbed. A sanctuary. _

_"Why am I having these thoughts?" She asked herself. "He's my best friend; I have a right to be worried!" She answered her own questions, like she always did when she was confused. Her mind had been thrust into mental turmoil. "Or is he? You know that lately you have been feeling something else…" She meditated upon this thought for awhile. It would be wrong… Besides, she didn't even know if he liked her! What if she were to ruin this friendship? She would rather die than let that happen. Ever since coming into the company of Harry and Ron in their first year, she had had her share of adventure and laughs. The memories were all so precious, the way they thwarted Voldemort's plans again and again. She loved the part she played in the two boys' lives, offering advice and occasionally tutoring them in homework. _

_But yet… She wanted more. Specifically, to be a bigger part of Harry's life. She had seen the way he looked at Ginny. Seen how he smiled at her. Laughed at her jokes. Seen the way she tried her best to make him happy. How she stood up for him. And what was worse, she had actually HELPED make this all possible. Given Ginny advice, nudged Harry on, even if he didn't realize it. It wasn't as if she hadn't tried getting his attention. She had tried making him jealous by acting jealous about Ron. He had comforted her, talked to her, but that only made it worse. It only made her realize how much she wanted him. Every tear she shed, it had been for him._

_But all in all, all she ever was was "the best friend". He was never going to like her. But that didn't mean _she_ couldn't like him. _

_

* * *

_

They were sitting on the bank of the lake, watching the giant squid play with some of the more daring first years, pulling them into the water, only for them to resurface, robes soaked with water, laughing their tiny heads off.

"Hermione, I need help. It's Ginny." Harry looked into Hermione's caramel-brown eyes.

"_Oh no." Hermione thought. _

"What is it? Have you two quarreled again?"

She plastered a smile onto her face, hoping that Harry wouldn't notice how she really felt. Deep inside though, she really hoped that he would ask.

"Well… quarreled isn't exactly the word. Apparently I did something wrong; I don't know what. And now, Ginny's ignoring me. Could you help me ask her?" Harry asked, with a pleading look in his emerald eyes that Hermione could not resist. Any thought of refusing just plain flew right into the lake along with the Giant Squid.

"Sure. What are friends for?" She grinned cheerily.

_Friends. And nothing more._

----- + -----

"Hey Ginny. Do you have a minute?" Hermione popped her head round Ginny's bedpost.

"Is this about Harry?" Ginny's face flashed a shade of black.

"Well, yeah, kinda. All I want to know is what he did wrong. Why are you so mad at him?"

"Oh, wouldn't he like to know! I don't even think he wants to be with me anymore! Did you attend the party on Sat?" Ginny asked, her voiced increasing, as her face got redder and redder, as was characteristic of all Weasleys.

"Um, no. I was studying. Perhaps you could enlighten me?" Hermione was seriously interested now. And the part about Harry not wanting to be with her really caught her attention. Her heart seemed to soar.

"Lemme ask you something. Is Harry gay?"

"W..why do you ask that?" Hermione was puzzled. In all her years of knowing Harry, never in the slightest had he shown any signs of being gay. Besides, he had had a crush on Cho Chang. That surely must prove that he was straight.

"Well, I saw him SNOGGING _Malfoy_!"

"WHAT?!" Hermione was rendered utterly speechless. Harry certainly didn't tell her _that_!

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**AN: Okayes, first fic for Harry Potter, pls R&R! And no flames pls. Wow. Thts a 1000 words for one chapt. my longest yet o.0 if you have any suggestions as to where i could take this please review! comments etc etc also! xD**


	2. Chapter 2

Hermione walked away from Ginny in a daze. Thoughts were swirling around in her head; it seemed to her like it was unraveling itself.

_"Harry, g…gay?!" _That thought was ludicrous, at least to her, but Ginny said she had **seen** him. And with MALFOY? It seemed like the wonders of the world would never end. But that couldn't be. She had known him for close to 7 years now, how could he? He hated Malfoy! She would have to confront Harry about it. One of these days. There were more important things right now, like exams. Besides, it was a sensitive issue. It wasn't like she could just walk up to Harry and go, "Yo mate. What's up? Heard you were gay." She would need time to think it through.

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It was Easter break, and lessons were cancelled. In place of that, there was a Hogsmede trip scheduled, much to the delight of the students and the dismay of Flinch. Hermione had intended to use the day to revise for the highly important (to her) exams but her normally stone hard resolve had melted away like wax on a lit candle the minute Harry asked her to accompany him.

"Where's Ron?" Hermione asked Harry at the portrait hole where they had agreed to meet before hand.

"He came down with something last night. He's now in the hospital wing." Harry replied. Hermione thought she could detect something not just right with Harry's tone of voice.

"Oh? Why didn't he tell me? Are we still going? Or should we go visit him?" Hermione asked, worriedly. Secretly, she was hoping desperately that they would go anyway. It wasn't everyday that she got to spend time with Harry alone and she wanted to treasure every minute of it.

"Oh we're going. He said to bring him back some Sugar Quills. Said he ran out."

"What are we waiting for? Let's go then." Hermione felt like Christmas had come early. Ecstatic would probably describe it best. A small part of her though felt guilty that she did not care more for Ron. She hoped that Harry would not find it strange.

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After shopping around Zonko's and picking up a bag of Sugar Quills for Ron at Honeydukes, they decided to stop at the Three Broomsticks for bottles of Butterbeer.

All the while, Hermione noticed that Harry had been smiling a lot more than usual. It seemed like he was paying exceptionally more attention to her; what she said, what she did. She pondered over this tidbit of fact as Harry went to get their Butterbeers. Could it be that he… liked her? Nah. He had snogged Malfoy and was going out with Ginny. She decided that she would use this chance to confront Harry. Besides, he seemed to be in a good mood today.

"Hey." Hermione turned and was shocked to find Harry's face so close to hers. She quickly inched backwards, hoping that nobody would see how red her face was. As she regained her composure, she chatted with Harry on some totally meaningless topics, hoping that that would help distract her from how close Harry was from her body.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Harry leaned closer to her. "Hermione…" He leaned in, quite obviously for a kiss and Hermione almost kissed him back, when something in the corner of her mind screamed. "You can't do this! He's your best friend! He might be gay and he's dating your best friend's sister! STOP!"

At the last minute, Hermione leaned away. Harry was taken aback and it showed on his face.

"Hermione… why?"

Tears were almost streaming down her face and it was all she could do to stop them.

"Cause… you're… gay!"

With that, she grabbed her things and made a run for the doors. She couldn't face Harry, or in fact, anyone now. All she wanted to do was to be left alone.

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**AN: thankyous for all the reviews! xD sure i'll continue but it might be kinda slow, since skl started and all T.T read, review you know what to do! xD**


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